When facing Armageddon, are you a Posh Prepper or a Solar Refusenik?

When the Orange Psycho threatens genocide just before bedtime, Horlicks might not cut it. The well-healed and organised are making aspirational moves on survival involving domestic renewables.

‘Don’t have nightmares. Do sleep well,’ if you grew up in 1980s Britain you’ll be familiar with the sign off of BBC Crimewatch host, Nick Ross. That Ross would have the audacity to sign off with this phrase when the night-time audience had just been treated to 60 minutes of reconstructions of un-caught criminals slashing, stabbing and stealing their way across the UK, was eye-popping. It was particularly bold after his own co-host Jill Dando was shot dead on her Fulham doorstep. But nevertheless he persisted.

The phrase ‘Don’t have nightmares. Do sleep well’ was very much in my mind last evening, as Donald Trump the psychotic leader of the Free World announced his intention to commit genocide, wiping out civilisation in Iran. Not even the calming yet furious tones of historian William Dalrymple on BBC Radio 4’s The World Tonight could calm me. Dalrymple made the very good point that the only civilisation Trump was undoing was that of the USA. Then came the cardinal sin - scrolling. Doom-scrolling was a foregone conclusion last night. There was no doubt in my mind that we’d all be roused from our beds at some point during the night and Raymond Brigg’s terrifying animation, When the Wind Blows (another 1970s/80s staple, this time about nuclear war) would be a truth, not a cartoon. Anyway, I trust you had a restorative and refreshing sleep?

I actually have an air raid shelter in my garden. Our home is sufficiently near South London to have been a strategic bombing site. In Banstead woods nearby, there was an ammunition depot. There is a bomb indentation in the sheep-field behind the house. But according to a contemporary newspaper report, when it struck during World War II, Mrs Marshall who lived where we live now, was gardening. She seems remarkably unflustered in a ‘these things happen’ type way. I’m not sure I would be so chill but the Anderson shelter is now a potting shed.

Will that help me? Maybe. I have been trying to grow fruit and vegetables. Self sufficiency is clearly an important part of preparing for Doomsday. We are already experiencing price shocks on fruit and vegetables as a result of the Straits of Hormuz shut down. Who knew our shopping baskets were so dependent on fossil fuel based fertilisers?

The Posh Preppers that’s who. From the outset I want to make clear that these are people I admire. This is not a sideways snipe at people who are better prepared and researched than me. No, this is more of a paean. Not least, because the Posh Preppers are some of my best students. For years, when I wrote a weekly column for the Observer Magazine (2002-2014 RIP Observer) on ethical living - they were storing my advice and research in ring binders! This is not an exaggeration. My friend, a well-healed organic purveyor of vegetables inherited such a ring binder from his dad (although I expect his lived experience growing and selling heritage veg for 20+ years might have surpassed my advice). For those of you who weren’t readers, you might wonder what sort of advice did I give? Well mainly, tips for living better, with a lighter footprint, being more self reliant, running a less toxic, more circular, energy efficient household. In short, all the stuff that is pretty useful in a poly crisis from hell.

One morning last year, I felt like I imagine Money Saving Expert, Martin Lewis feels on a regular basis - valued! A former reader who found me on BlueSky dropped me a note to say thank you. He installed solar panels on my say so some time in the early noughties after I featured the renewable energy tariff on my page. This is alas long gone (like the page) but because he’d been so quick to get onboard, he’d secured a great rate to sell electricity generated by his panels back to the grid. When he wrote to me he said he was completely self sufficient in electricity and making a welcome profit selling the excess back.

I wish I’d taken my own advice, but until two years ago, I was a renter and I never quite had the capital to install. But super pleased for those who did! (she says through gritted teeth). I bumped into an old friend at a party recently. He’d helped me with my first book, Green Living in the Urban Jungle and as such had become interested in sustainable living. He became an early investor to Octopus Energy and kitted out his place in the country with all sorts of kit - batteries, air source, ground source, EV and of course solar. I imagine he is sitting more prettily than us regular bill payers at this very moment.

I’m dreaming of a plug-in panel, which according to reports will soon (but with no exact time specified) be available via Lidl. In the meantime I’ve acquired a 12 volt battery and two portable batteries but now I need the rest of the kit and a plan on what to do with them. At least the current chaos has focused my mind. I will be trying to get my hands on a press pass for Solar & Storage Live! later this month at Excel. Maybe I can become a DIY solar queen (admittedly I have a lot to learn) or a TV development exec will take pity on me and devise a 10 part series, when my house gets 'greened’ despite the somewhat difficult Grad II listing (I’m not sure TV works like that anymore, but still, a girl can dream!).

I realise that that last bit about my house being listed might sound a bit like the ultimate Posh Preppers Palace, Athelhampton - a Tudor pile in Dorset that I’ve written about several times which has the most incredible array of….well, arrays, and heatpumps, and a Tesla battery wall etc. But while I take great inspo from Athelhampton, that’s where the similarities end. My little cottage was actually a council house (one of a very tiny number of listed UK council houses). It was ‘disposed’ of by the council to me - what a charming verb! I love it, but I suspect that the planning restrictions which make eco retrofits challenging and prohibitively expensive were a big part of the reason it became unviable for the local authority.

Still a Posh Prepper wouldn’t be put off by red tape, so I’m going to keep dreaming… and digging. A nearby prepper with a solid A-game has just invested in a back up generator (her own generator, imagine!) . Yes it runs on diesel - one of the very worst fossil fuels, but it’s just for backup emergencies you understand, when her panels and battery are busy charging her EV? Deep pockets are an advantage because once you start buying kit, there’s always more. A compost Loo, a reed bed filtration system, a natural swimming pool, a wood-powered sauna (OK these are not pieces of life and death equipment), solar powered irrigation for your grey water veg-garden system, hydroponic greenhouses, your own borehole, your own bottled spring water….. These are the days of the posh prepper and I’m here to watch and learn.